Key Takeways
Care that holds the whole configuration
Who relationship therapy benefits
Maybe you and your partner have been talking about opening things up for a while, and the conversations keep circling. Maybe you're already in an open or poly relationship and something's getting stuck that you can't work out on your own. Maybe a new connection has brought old material to the surface, or a metamour situation has turned harder than it used to be. Maybe jealousy is showing up in a shape you didn't expect, or communication patterns that worked before aren't carrying the weight anymore.
Laura and I sit with partners in open, CNM, and poly relationships across Canada. Our practice is Vancouver-based and works online with adults and configurations in every province. Some of the people we meet with arrive as a couple exploring non-monogamy for the first time. Some come as an established triad, a V, or a polycule. Some come alone because a partner isn't ready, or because what they need to think through is their own. All of them are welcome, and none of them have to explain the basics before we begin.
What you might be carrying
Non-monogamy isn't a problem to solve, but it does ask more from everyone involved. More communication. More emotional literacy. More consent, explicitly named. More navigation of time, energy, intimacy, and care. More repair when something goes sideways, which it will, because relationships go sideways regardless of structure. The difference is that in non-monogamy, more people are affected by what happens between any two of you, and there are fewer cultural scripts to fall back on.
That can be generative, and it can also be exhausting. Much of the weight isn't dramatic. It's the cumulative work of holding a relational life that most of the world still doesn't imagine as legitimate, while also doing the ordinary things: groceries, rent, grief, workdays, bad colds, family weddings, election seasons, whatever life is asking of you right now.
One thought, from outside the room
In The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy, Lola Phoenix introduces the idea of an anchor: your own personal reasons for choosing this structure, something you can return to when the work gets hard. Not the relationship as your anchor, but your own clarity about why this is the shape you've chosen. Phoenix is non-monogamous themselves, and the book is written from inside the experience. We don't use the book as a framework in sessions, but the idea of returning to your own "why" when things feel destabilizing is a useful one, and it's in the air when partners come to us in the middle of a hard stretch.
What therapy looks like with us
Our work is relationship therapy online that's relational, experiential, and creative. We work with what's actually happening between you, at whatever pace your configuration needs.
That can mean two partners sitting together, working through something that's been stuck. It can mean a triad working on how decisions get made, or how time and attention are distributed. It can mean one partner working through their own reactions while another isn't in the room. It can mean a conversation between metamours who want to build something, or who are working through something tender. What's consistent is that we stay close to what's actually happening between the people present, not to an idealized version of what non-monogamy should look like.
A few things that tend to show up in the work:
- Space for each person to be heard on their own terms, not as a counterweight to someone else
- Attention to the body and nervous system, not only to the content of the conversation
- Creative and experiential work when words alone aren't enough, including writing, imagery, and somatic attention
- Pacing that respects what each of you can actually metabolize in a session, without rushing toward resolution
- Practical reflection on agreements, communication structures, and repair, without prescribing what your structure should be
What we don't do
We don't treat non-monogamy as the cause of the difficulty. Structures don't create problems; structures reveal where care, consent, and communication need to be clearer, and that's true for monogamy too. We don't coach you back to monogamy as the resolution. If any of you arrive already wondering whether this structure is still right, we hold that question with you honestly, but we don't carry an agenda about the answer.
We don't pick favourites between partners. Every person in the room is someone we're here for. If confidentiality becomes complicated (for instance, if you work with me individually and later want to bring a partner in), we talk about that openly before it becomes a problem.
Come as you are
Whatever your structure looks like right now, and whoever is and isn't in the room, you're welcome. You can start with one session, a consult, or a conversation among partners about whether this feels like the right fit. You don't have to have it figured out before we begin. You don't have to sell your relationship structure to us before we'll sit with you in it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do all of my partners need to be in sessions for this to work?
No. Some of the people we sit with come as couples, triads, or polycules. Others come on their own, working through something that's theirs to work on. Others shift between configurations over time. What matters is that the work serves what you actually need, not a template of what non-monogamous therapy is supposed to look like.
We've had bad experiences with therapists who didn't understand non-monogamy. How is this different?
Honest answer: you won't know for sure until you meet us. What we can say is that we don't start from the assumption that non-monogamy is dysfunction. We aren't interested in helping you return to monogamy. We don't treat jealousy or conflict as evidence that your structure is broken. A free consult is a way to feel the difference before committing to sessions.
Can you work with metamours, or with partners who don't share a household?
Yes. Metamours working on their own connection, partners navigating a V, polycule meetings, long-distance partners figuring out time and communication. The configuration follows what's needed. You don't have to map onto a couples-therapy template to work with us.
What if we're not sure whether we want to open up our relationship?
That's a good place to start. Exploring the question together, with someone who won't push you toward or away from any particular answer, is often more useful than trying to decide it alone. The work sometimes ends with opening up, sometimes with choosing not to, and sometimes with a clearer sense of what either path would actually ask of you.
Do you work with kink, swinging, or other non-monogamous structures besides polyamory?
Yes. Open relationships, CNM of various shapes, solo polyamory, relationship anarchy, kink-informed structures, swinging, partner configurations that don't have a tidy label. The framework we work from is relational, not categorical. If it involves consent, communication, and people trying to care for each other well, we can sit with it.
